To dispel the rumors...and maybe help others a little.

No. We’re not waiting till we graduate.

No. We’re not waiting until we can “afford” one. (Is that even possible?)

Yes, I already know “it’ll happen when it happens”

No I’m not stressed.

No I’m not on drugs. Haha (no one has actually asked me that one… I just figured while I’m at it, I’d nip that one too.)

Yes, Doug and I have been trying to conceive for over a year.

Doug and I aren’t really shy about the topic. Millions of people have problems with fertility, so I know we’re just a statistic among the childless. We generally don’t bring it up though, because:

1)      People usually say something stupid, like “oh really? He just looks at me and I get pregnant” or “Really? That’s so sad… you can have mine!”  (Not a joke…I’ve gotten that one before.)

OR

2)      They give you unsolicited advice without knowing any of your life details: “maybe it’s your diet”; “you’re probably stressed”; “you should try ________ (some product or position that they believe is the key to baby-making).”

I used to be really bitter about it. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mom and to even imagine the possibility that that may not happen is hard to cope with. I used to come home crying every Sunday because our ward is densely saturated with young moms popping out babies left and right. Sitting in a chapel listening to babies coo and cry for an hour made my heart sink. After the first week of that, I decided to move to the very front of the chapel so I would at least get the babies out of my immediate sight. That helped me out a TON.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sensitive about it- I have good days and bad days, but I generally don’t feel bitter about it anymore; I don’t feel animosity towards baby bumps. I genuinely feel excited and happy for people who announce that they’re pregnant. It’s an exciting thing! And as much as it may feel like it, I know all these couples are not getting pregnant just to spite me. It took me a while, but I learned how to be happy for the blessings in other people’s lives, and to recognize that I’m very blessed too, just in different ways.

I should also acknowledge that I know we haven’t been trying for as long as other couples. The ones who have tried for 5+ years will most likely roll their eyes at me. I know people who have tried for years, people who have just started trying, people who have had multiple miscarriages and still births, people who have had one or two kids but now can’t have anymore, etc… we come in all forms. Some have had a harder time than others but no matter what your situation is, it’s hard. Period.

I spoke with a church leader about this a few months ago. I didn’t go to her to vent, I simply went for advice because I know her pretty well and I know she would direct me to some good resources. What I didn’t expect was how much I’d change my point of view.  One of the very first questions she asked me was, “What has your experience taught you about Jesus Christ?” I was a little taken aback by the question, because I wasn’t prepared for it and I thought it was a little out of place in the conversation. 

As I thought about it, I really had a lot that I have learned. I told her: I know He loves me. I know there’s a reason for all of this. I know that I can turn to Him for comfort and relief. I also told her that I feel like this may be something that may help me long-term.  Maybe one day I will have children who will go through this and I’ll know how to comfort them. Or maybe it’ll just be that I’ll have friends who I can help. I’ve already been able to help other women through their struggles with infertility just because I’m someone they can talk to.  Going through this helps me gain an eternal perspective as well. I know that even if I’m never a parent in this life - one day, I will be.